The Lost Seinfeld Episode: “The Pandemic”. (TV Script)

Spec Script for Seinfeld

“The Pandemic”

Written by Myles Wagman

Guest Stars:

Dr. Fauci’s Son: MATT DAMON

Mean Neighbor: WILL FERRELL

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE IN FRONT OF AN UNSEEN AUDIENCE. HE IS HOLDING A MICROPHONE AND SPEAKING WITH A BRIGHT SPOTLIGHT ON HIM.

JERRY

You know if you told me a global pandemic was hitting a year ago, I never thought the first thing to sell out of stores would be toilet paper. Not water, not food. Of all the things that people need, of all the essential items to our modern life, that separate us from animals on the evolutionary ladder, the first item people feel compelled to secure is a small tube of cardboard wrapped with 2 plies of thin recycled paper.

A HECKLER IS HEARD OVER THE NOW BOOING CROWD.

HECKLER

Thousands of people have died, you jerk!

JERRY

(totally bombing) Yes they have.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE: SCENE TWO

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

JERRY IS IN HIS KITCHEN LOOKING THROUGH THE FRIDGE WHEN HIS INTERCOM BUZZER ACTIVATES.

GEORGE

It’s me.

JERRY

Come on up.

GEORGE ENTERS. HE IS WEARING A FACE MASK AND STANDING IN THE HALLWAY. HE IS CLEARLY UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING.

GEORGE

(shaking his head as he enters, yelling back down the hall) You know – you can cover your face!

JERRY

What? What happened?

GEORGE

(taking off his mask and getting worked up): Can you believe this woman? She just sneezed right into the air. She open sneezed. She probably gave me Covid. Do you think I have Covid now?

JERRY

(pulling George inside the apartment): Oh you don’t have Covid. No cover? Not even a hand?

GEORGE

Nothing! No hand, no elbow, no sleeve. I’ll take a sleeve.

JERRY

Love a sleeve.

GEORGE

Sleeve is great, would kill for a sleeve. (Shaking his head and touching his nose to feel for moisture) Can you believe how inconsiderate this woman is? No sleeve, no apology, nothing!

JERRY MAKES A NOISE INDICATING THAT HE CAN BELIEVE IT BUT IS UNMOVED.

GEORGE (CONTINUING)

(depressed) So it’s happening. I got the official notice. I’m laid off. I knew God could never let me be happy. Finally I find a great job, good pay, great location. And he sends a plague.

JERRY

Oh come on. This can’t go on too long. You’ll see, a few months and things will get right back to normal.

GEORGE

I’ve got no money. No job. No girlfriend. I’m gonna have to move back in with my parents.

JERRY

Hey how’s your father feeling after the surgery?

GEORGE

You know, he’s good all things considered.

JERRY

Open heart surgery. Man, that must have cost a fortune.

GEORGE

(disgruntled) You wouldn’t believe it. You know, I don’t know how they can charge that much and get away with it. (Increasingly distressed) Oh now I’m going to have to start looking for work again. Maybe I’ll make an app.

JERRY

What do you know about making an app?

GEORGE

I could make an app! How hard can it be?

JERRY

(shaking his head): How hard can it be. What idea do you have for an app?

GEORGE

(a soft pitch) I’d like to know what tree I’m looking at when I walk through the park.

JERRY

Not only is there no way you could ever make an app, I don’t even think you know what an app is.

GEORGE

(insecure) Of course I do.

GEORGE CLEARS HIS THROAT. IT SOUNDS A BIT CONGESTED.

JERRY

What the hell was that?

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

That cough, I didn’t like the sound of that.

GEORGE

I’m fine I’ve just had something in my throat all day.

GEORGE CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN EVEN LOUDER TRYING TO GET IT OUT.

JERRY

No I can’t have that. (Pushing George to the door)

GEORGE

You’re kicking me out?! I just got here!

JERRY

You’re out!

JERRY COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH HIS SLEEVE AND STARTS SPRAYING LYSOL ALL OVER THE FRONT OF THE APARTMENT.

ELAINE WALKS IN TAKING OFF HER MASK AND WAVES THE AIR FILLED WITH LYSOL SPRAY, GASPING FOR AIR OVERDRAMATICALLY.

ELAINE

(coughing) Are you trying to kill me?

JERRY

This is a covid free zone Lainey, don’t get in the line of fire.

ELAINE

(overcoming the cough) Hey I just saw George in the hallway. What’s with him?

JERRY

Oh he got laid off, moving back in with his parents.

ELAINE

Sounds about right. You’ll never guess who I’m going on a date with later.

JERRY

You’re still going on dates?!

ELAINE

On Zoom.

JERRY

Who?

ELAINE

Dr Fauci.

JERRY

You’re going out with Dr Fauci?!

ELAINE

Well, Dr Fauci Jr. His son.

JERRY

Get out! (he pushes her)

ELAINE

Oh yeah, and things are getting pretty serious.

JERRY

(realizing the flaw) On Zoom. Righhhht.

ELAINE

What? What’s the problem?

JERRY

(dismissively) So you’ve never met?

ELAINE

Well, we’ve met on Zoom.

JERRY

You can’t date on Zoom. There’s no chemistry! There’s no touch! You know touch is a very underrated sense.

ELAINE

Of course you can date on Zoom. What’s the difference?

JERRY

The difference is there’s no chance of sex. Without knowing the night can end in sex, you’re not really on a date.

ELAINE

I’ve had lots of dates that don’t end in sex.

JERRY

Have you?

ELAINE

(sarcastically) Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.

JERRY

But on Zoom it can’t end in sex. And that changes everything.

ELAINE

(with nefarious intent) Well who says it can’t?

JERRY

So you’re thinking of having him join your bubble?

ELAINE

Would love to get him in my bubble.

JERRY

Well you know, if you add him to your bubble, I’ve gotta take you out of my bubble.

ELAINE

What? Why? No, I want to stay in your bubble.

JERRY

Have to do it. I keep a tight bubble Elaine.

ELAINE

Who else do you have in your bubble?

JERRY

You, George, Kramer…Newman.

ELAINE

Newman’s in your bubble?

JERRY

Newman’s in Kramer’s bubble, so he’s in my bubble.

ELAINE

You’re gonna have Newman in your bubble and not me?!

JERRY

I don’t want Newman in my bubble. I don’t know how I got stuck with this bubble anyway. My bubble stinks. Hate my bubble!

ELAINE

Oh you gotta hate your bubble.

JERRY

(moving to the computer and opening it):

You’re gonna have to go in a minute, I’ve got a show on zoom about to start.

ELAINE

Comedy shows online? That’s worse than dating.

JERRY

You can’t make people laugh on video chat. I’ve tried. It’s impossible. You’re in a little corner of the screen, it’s not funny. The stage is what lets the audience know you’re funnier than they are. That’s why you’re on stage and they’re not. Without the stage, I’ve got nothing.

ELAINE

(feigning support) Well, I’m sure it’s possible. (smirking) Maybe you just need some new material.

JERRY GIVES A SARCASTIC SMIRK BACK, ACKNOWLEGING HER JOKE.

KRAMER BURSTS IN THROUGH THE APARTMENT DOOR, WAVING HIS HAND AT THE THE LYSOL FUMES.

KRAMER

Come on, what is this? (It’s knocking him off his feet as if he’s attacked by it and then starts to overdramatically choke)

JERRY

Alright, alright.

KRAMER

(waving his finger around) Come on Jerry, you can’t believe all this mambo jumbo on the news! Ha! You’ve been fooled my friend.

ELAINE

What? Kramer I can’t believe you’re saying this? You don’t think we should be wearing masks?

JERRY

(walking towards the computer) Do you have to get him going?

KRAMER

(very knowledgeable) Naw naw, wearing a mask doesn’t do anything. A thin sheet of cotton isn’t gonna stop a deadly virus. (Puts his hand in front of his mouth) You see this is the government’s way of controlling us. This whole pandemic is fake. People aren’t really getting sick at all.

KRAMER OPENS HIS MOUTH AND APPEARS READY TO CONTINUE INTO A BIG RANT WHEN ELAINE CUTS HIM OFF ABRUPTLY.

ELAINE

Well, I think you’ve been watching too much Fox News.

JERRY

(agreeing) I told him the same thing.

KRAMER

Naw naw, you just don’t know what’s going on. You know that Dr…Dr Fauci. He’s a real wackjob.

JERRY

(getting up from computer trying to shush Kramer) Kramer!

KRAMER

What? What did I say?

JERRY

Elaine’s dating his son.

KRAMER

(Taken aback dramatically, stopped in his tracks) That’s terrible! Well, you better break it off.

ELAINE

What’s wrong with Dr. Fauci?

KRAMER

What’s wrong with Dr. Fauci? Do you not know anything that’s happening around you? Are you so naive that you just fritter about your day without a care in the world? (very serious now) Elaine, he’s masterminding this whole thing. These are dangerous people you’re mixing up with.

ELAINE AND JERRY BOTH ROLL THEIR EYES WITH EXASPERATION.

KRAMER

(still trying to convince them) Look, you know my friend Bob Sacamano. He tested positive last week and he’s totally fine. I played golf with him yesterday. Not even a sniffle.

JERRY

(perking up) You what? Okay, that’s it! My show’s about to start. You both gotta go (pushing them to the door).

ELAINE AND KRAMER MOVE TOWARDS THE DOOR.

KRAMER

A show?

JERRY

Ya, online.

KRAMER

Online comedy? That will never work. You don’t have a stage.

JERRY

I know.

ELAINE

Well I’ve got a big date (turning towards Kramer, putting her mask on and saying dramatically) with Dr. Fauci Jr.

KRAMER MAKES A CLICKING NOISE, AS IF SAYING “YOU’LL SEE”.

JERRY, NOW ALONE IN THE APARTMENT, SITS DOWN AT HIS LAPTOP COMPUTER ON HIS COMEDY ZOOM SHOW.

JERRY

(with too much forced charisma) So who’s ready to laugh?

CUT TO:

INT. GEORGE’S PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY

ACT ONE: SCENE THREE

GEORGE IS CARRYING A BOX INTO HIS PARENT’S HOUSE.

ESTELLE

Georgie, I need you to move those boxes right away, the girls are coming over for Mahjong.

GEORGE

Ma, you can’t play Mahjong. You’re not supposed to be seeing people!

ESTELLE

Oh please, it’s just the girls.

GEORGE

Just the girls? Ma, you have that lung condition you’re always going on about. How you can’t breathe.

ESTELLE

(waving his concern away) I’m fine.

GEORGE’S FATHER, FRANK WALKS IN AND GRABS HIS COAT AS HE PREPARES TO LEAVE.

FRANK

George, listen to your mother. I’m going out.

GEORGE

Out?! Where are you going?!

FRANK

(excessively calm) I want to get some groceries.

GEORGE

Groceries? You don’t need to go out for that. Listen, I’ll do one of those Instacart orders.

FRANK

No. I pick my own groceries. I don’t need any instant car.

GEORGE

You have pre-existing conditions! Your heart!

FRANK

My heart is fine.

GEORGE

Fine? You just had open heart surgery! The doctor said you were high risk!

FRANK

That’s his opinion.

ESTELLE

(indifferent to his safety) Oh let him go, he’s picking up a kugel.

FRANK

Why do you have to tell him what I’m picking up?

ESTELLE

(getting worked up): What’s the difference?!

FRANK

(screaming) It’s none of his business if I’m buying a kugel!

GEORGE CLEARS HIS CONGESTED THROAT LOUDLY.

FRANK

(concerned) What the hell was that?

CUT TO:

ACT TWO: SCENE ONE

INT. ELAINE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

ELAINE IS SITTING ON HER COUCH. SHE IS AT HER LAPTOP TALKING TO DR. FAUCI’S SON ON ZOOM.

ELAINE

(flirting) Soooo, maybe you can come by later and join my bubble?

DR. FAUCI’S SON

Elaine, you know I can’t do that.

ELAINE

(flirting) Oh come on (being cute). My bubble could really use a doctor.

DR. FAUCI’S SON

I’m already in a bubble, with my father.

ELAINE

So? Bring me in.

DR. FAUCI’S SON

I can’t.

ELAINE

Why not?

DR. FAUCI’S SON

It’s a very exclusive bubble.

ELAINE

(getting irritated) You’re saying I’m not good enough for your bubble?

DR. FAUCI’S SON

Elaine please. When it comes to bubbles I like to take things slow.

ELAINE

(losing her temper now) You know, I am an excellent person to have in your bubble. The best. You’d be lucky to have me in your bubble.

DR. FAUCI’S SON

I’m sure you are.

ELAINE

(fully annoyed) Okay well maybe I don’t want to be in your bubble. Maybe I don’t need a bubble at all. I mean, are we really supposed to believe this teeny tiny mask is supposed to stop a deadly virus (making a big show of how deadly). (Elaine snorts) I mean, come on? (as she’s saying this, she realizes that she’s blown it)

DR. FAUCI’S SON

(extremely offended) I have to go Elaine. Goodbye. (exits zoom meeting)

ELAINE

(to the blank screen) Dr Fauci?

CUT TO:

ACT TWO: SCENE TWO

INT. JERRY APARTMENT – NEXT DAY

JERRY IS ON HIS COUCH WITH A PHONE IN HIS HAND. HE IS FACETIMING WITH ELAINE.

JERRY

So he hung up? Just like that?

ELAINE APPEARS ON THE PHONE’S SCREEN. SHE IS AT HER APARTMENT AND APPEARS UPSET.

ELAINE

Just like that. I blew it Jerry. I couldn’t make the zoom to bubble leap.

JERRY

Few can Elaine. Few can.

ELAINE

You know what really happened is I listened to too much Kramer. It got me all mixed up.

KRAMER BURSTS THROUGH JERRY’S APARTMENT DOOR. HE IS WEARING A MILITARY STYLE, FULL FACE GAS MASK.

HIS HEAD APPEARS TO GET STUCK AS HE MAKES A SHOW OF STRUGGLING TO GET THE MASK OFF HIS FACE.

KRAMER

So…. it’s real.

ELAINE

What did he say?

JERRY

I don’t know. Look, I’ll call you back.

JERRY ENDS THE CALL WITH ELAINE, PUTS DOWN HIS PHONE AND WALKS TOWARDS KRAMER.

JERRY

What the hell are you wearing?

KRAMER

A mask. Jerry – This virus is no joke.

JERRY

No joke? I thought this was some big government ploy with all the conspiracies.

KRAMER

No, no. I was wrong.

JERRY

Well good. What finally convinced you?

KRAMER

Bob Sacamano. He’s dead.

JERRY

Dead??

KRAMER

(abrupt noise) Dead. He’s dead, Jerry. (Makes croaking noise)

JERRY

(shaking his head): Sweet Jesus. Did he have a wife? Kids?

KRAMER

No, no. After he was kidnapped by pirates he never dated much. I think they really messed him up.

NEWMAN ENTERS JERRY’S APARTMENT DOOR. HE APPEARS FRANTIC AND OUT OF BREATH.

NEWMAN

Kramer, I heard what happened to Bob Sacamano.

JERRY

Oh hello, Newman.

NEWMAN

Hello, Jerry. So what gives? I thought he was fine.

KRAMER

So did I until he just dropped dead.

NEWMAN

But he was in our bubble.

JERRY

What?! Bob Sacamano was in our bubble?

KRAMER

He was in Newman’s bubble, so he was in my bubble.

JERRY

This bubble is leaking like a broken faucet! Wait. Kramer, didn’t you just go golfing with him?

KRAMER

(talking out of the side of his mouth) And we shared nachos.

NEWMAN

(equally concerned as Jerry) You shared nachos with him?

JERRY

Oh this is too much.

KRAMER

Well we got hungry after golfing! Once I hit those back nine I’m ravenous.

JERRY

(frantic) Our bubble is compromised! Everybody out!

NEWMAN EXITS THE APARTMENT. JERRY PUSHES KRAMER OUT BEHIND HIM.

KRAMER

(resisting, falling over himself) But Jerry, come on!

JERRY PICKS UP KRAMER’S MASK AND THROWS IT OUT THE DOOR AT KRAMER.

JERRY

Out! And take whatever the hell this is with you.

KRAMER FALLS OUT THE DOOR ON TOP OF NEWMAN. WE HEAR THEM CREATE A COMMOTION BEHIND THE NOW CLOSED APARTMENT DOOR.

JERRY, NOW ALONE, CLAMPS HIS NOSE, HOLDS HIS BREATH AND STARTS TO SPRAY LYSOL EVERYWHERE.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO: SCENE THREE

INT. GEORGE’S BEDROOM – DAY

GEORGE JOINS JERRY ON A ZOOM CALL. HIS MOTHER IS LOUDLY PLAYING MAHJONG IN THE BACKGROUND. IT SOUNDS LIKE A CROWD OF PEOPLE ARE PRESENT.

JERRY

Gatsby, what the hell is going on over there?

GEORGE

You have no idea. My mother has had different friends over every night this week.

JERRY

I tell ya, I’d never guess your parents were so popular.

GEORGE

(Rubbing his temples) I don’t understand it Jerry. This woman’s spent every day of her life terrified that she’d get sick, running to the doctor for a stuffy nose, agonizing for days over the tiniest blemish. Now, there’s a deadly virus floating through the air and she decides to become Gertrude Stein.

FRANK

(screaming in the background and making a noisy clutter) Who wants a martini?

JERRY

Man, they are really going at it.

GEORGE

(screaming towards his door) Will you keep it down?!

ELAINE JOINS THE ZOOM CALL FROM HER APARTMENT.

ELAINE

Hey Jerry. Hey George. What is going on over there George?

GEORGE

(yelling again back towards the door): Keep it down! (He turns back towards the zoom and starts coughing. He’s defeated and nearly in tears) I’ve gotta go.

GEORGE EXITS THE ZOOM CALL.

JERRY

So any luck with Fauci?

ELAINE

(mopey) No, he still won’t return any of my calls. He thinks I’m an anti-masker. An anti-masker Jerry.

JERRY

Well, can you blame him?

KRAMER JOINS THE ZOOM CHAT WITH HIS EYE RIGHT UP TO THE CAMERA. HE LEANS BACK REVEALING HE IS IN A LARGE BUBBLE BATH.

ELAINE

It’s all thanks to him.

KRAMER

What? What’s thanks to me?

ELAINE

That Fauci broke up with me.

JERRY

Kramer, where are you?

KRAMER

I’m in Long Island.

JERRY

Long Island? What are you doing there?

KRAMER

I live there. I moved.

KRAMER PANS HIS CAMERA, REVEALING HE IS SITUATED INSIDE A SPACIOUS, LUXURIOUS BATHROOM.

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

Oh ya, I’m already unpacked!

JERRY

What do you mean you moved? You can’t just move.

KRAMER

Can. Did. That’s it Jerry. Don’t you see? After what happened to Sacamano, I realized I needed to really start living life, no more of the 9 to 5 for me.

JERRY

9 to 5? You’ve never worked a day in your life.

KRAMER MAKES A CONCILIATORY NOISE.

JERRY

(getting up) I can’t believe this.

JERRY EXITS HIS APARTMENT AND WALKS OVER TO KNOCK ON KRAMER’S DOOR ACROSS THE HALLWAY. A VERY IMPORTANT LOOKING MAN IN A SUIT OPENS THE DOOR AND GIVES HIM THE “HOLD ON” FINGER, INDICATING HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PHONE CALL WITH AN EXPENSIVE HEADSET ON.

MEAN NEIGHBOR

Ya ya, when I say sell, that means you sell. You understand me?

JERRY TRIES TO PEEK HIS HEAD AROUND THE MAN TO LOOK INSIDE THE APARTMENT. HE NOTICES EVERYTHING LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

 MEAN NEIGHBOR

(turning to Jerry) Can I help you?

JERRY IS STILL PEEKING HIS HEAD INSIDE THE APARTMENT. HE LOOKS UNCERTAIN AND CONFUSED.

JERRY

Oh, uhh I’m Jerry, I live across the hall.

THE MEAN NEIGHBOR PUTS IS “HOLD ON” FINGER BACK UP AGAIN AND GETS BACK ON THE PHONE, BEING VERY DOMINEERING.

MEAN NEIGHBOR

So you think I care if your mother has Covid? This is a business we’re running (turns to Jerry) Listen Gary, I’ve gotta go.

THE MAN GETS RIGHT BACK ON THE PHONE AS THE DOOR SLAMS IN JERRY’S FACE.

JERRY WALKS BACK INTO HIS APARTMENT AND HIS COMPUTER.

ELAINE

Jerry, is it true?

JERRY

I think it’s true! Kramer, tell us it isn’t true!

KRAMER

Oh, it’s true. It’s a beautiful thing. I’ve got space Jerry. You know I’ve lived my whole life cramped in that tiny apartment, cooped up, all restricted. Jerry I’m free! I can finally stretch (he makes loose, free movements in the bath). I’m lovin’ it!

JERRY

I can’t believe you moved just like that.

KRAMER

Just like that.

JERRY

Well I’m gonna miss you buddy. Congratulations.

ELAINE

So exciting Kramer! So when can we visit?

KRAMER

You can’t.

ELAINE

What?

KRAMER

No, I won’t be having any anti-maskers at my house.

ELAINE

You? What?

KRAMER

Ya, I heard what you said Elaine. My real estate agent is a good friend of Dr Fauci, he told me all about what you said to his son. I’m very disappointed in you Elaine.

ELAINE

(losing her temper) You said that! I was just repeating what you said!

KRAMER

Well, Dr Fauci was very upset.

ELAINE

(pouting) No, I upset Dr Fauci. Jerry, did you hear that?

JERRY

What? Sorry I wasn’t listening. I’m going to need to rethink my whole grocery order without Kramer around.

KRAMER

That’s right buddy. You’re all on your own now.

JERRY

(suddenly feeling scared of the prospect) All on my own.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE – SCENE ONE

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

JERRY IS WALKING AROUND HIS APARTMENT AND CAN’T GET COMFORTABLE. HE APPEARS TO BE GOING STIR CRAZY. HE OPENS HIS FRIDGE AND QUICKLY CLOSES IT. HE OPENS HIS LAPTOP AND DOES THE SAME THING. HE PICKS UP HIS PHONE AND PUTS IT DOWN. HE IS RESTLESS AND LONELY. HE BEGINS TO HEAR KRAMER’S WORDS, REVERBERATING WITH AN ECHO EFFECT IN HIS HEAD.

KRAMER (VOICE OVER)

You’re all on your own. Cooped up. I’ve got space Jerry. This is the government’s way of controlling us.

JERRY APPEARS SCARED. HE FRANTICALLY EXITS HIS APARTMENT AND ARRIVES AT KRAMER’S DOOR. THE SAME UNIDENTIFIED MAN OPENS IT. HE IS WEARING A HEADSEAT AND IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.

MEAN NEIGHBOR

(says to his call) One second, some schmuck is at my door. (turns to Jerry) Can I help you?

JERRY

(desperate for human connections): Ya, I came by the other day, I’m Jerry I live across the hall.

MEAN NEIGHBOR

(impatient) And?

JERRY

(increasingly desperate) Just seeing if you need to borrow anything. Pepper? Swim trunks? Door’s always open.

MEAN NEIGHBOR HAS NO TIME FOR THIS. HE COMPLETELY IGNORES WHAT JERRY HAS SAID AND SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.

JERRY RE-ENTERS AND CLOSES HIS APARTMENT DOOR. HE PUSHES HIS BODY AGAIST IT LIKE HE’S SCARED OF WHAT’S INSIDE.

JERRY

(to himself) Who can I call? Who can I call?

HE THINKS OF SOMETHING AND BEELINES FOR THE PHONE.

PUTTY IS SITTING ON A CHAIR IN A BLAND APARTMENT STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD. HE HEARS A PHONE RING.

PUTTY

Putty.

JERRY

Hey Putty, it’s Jerry.

PUTTY

Ya.

JERRY

Jerry Seinfeld.

PUTTY

I know. 

JERRY

Oh well, you know, I wanted to check in, see how you’re doing. This virus is really something isn’t it? You know Kramer’s friend Bob Sacamano dropped dead like a sack of potatoes.

PUTTY

Jerry.

JERRY

Ya.

PUTTY

Why are you calling me?

JERRY

You know, just checking up on my friends.

PUTTY

We’re not friends.

JERRY

Acquaintances?

PUTTY HANGS UP THE PHONE.

JERRY

Hello?

JERRY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND A MOMENT LATER IT BEGINS TO RING.

JERRY

(Overly eager) Hello!

GEORGE IS ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE. HE IS IN BED AND CLEARLY VERY SICK.

GEORGE

(weakly) Jerry?

JERRY

Hey Georgie boy, wanna come over and play some backgammon?

GEORGE

I have it Jerry.

JERRY

What do you mean you have it? You don’t have it.

GEORGE

I have it. I just got the results an hour ago.

JERRY

What?! You have it? Do you know how you got it?

GEORGE

I don’t know. Probably that woman on your floor, the open sneezer.

JERRY

(shaking his head): After so much precaution, taken down by an open sneezer.

GEORGE

I’m dying, Jerry.

JERRY

Oh come on, you’re not dying. You’ll be fine.

GEORGE

I’m weak.

JERRY

No you’re strong.

GEORGE

I’m not Jerry, I’m weak. I always knew I would die young. I just had a feeling!

JERRY

You’re not dying, get outta here. You’ll be fine.

GEORGE

You think so?

JERRY

Ya, you’ll be fine. But if you’re not, we’ll throw you a great funeral.

GEORGE

You will?

JERRY

Oh ya, it will be a big event, nice coffin. You’ve gotta have a nice coffin if you die so young.

GEORGE

(distant in paranoia) Right.

JERRY

Of course it’ll be on zoom. Hard to mourn on zoom. There won’t be any consoling. No hugs. Hard to connect with people on zoom. Because you can’t touch. You know touch is a very underrated sense.

GEORGE

(increasingly distant, in his eyes he’s already dead) Uh huh.

JERRY

Won’t have a stage. Stage is always nice at a funeral. Everyone gets a look, makes it feel important. Won’t have that. But it’ll be fine!

CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACK YARD. DAY.

KRAMER IS WEARING A VERY SUBURBAN OUTFIT AND IS DRIVING AROUND ON A BIG LAWN MOWER. HE IS DRESSED CONSERVATIVELY, WEARING A GOLF SHIRT AND KHAKI PANTS. HE FLOPS AROUND RECKLESSLY, CLEARLY OUTSIDE OF HIS REGULAR ELEMENT.

MULTIPLE UNSEEN SUBURBAN NEIGHBOURS

Hey Kramer! Hey Cosmo!

IT IS CLEAR KRAMER IS ALREADY VERY POPULAR IN HIS NEW DIGS. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON HIS FACE. PICTURE FREEZES WITH HIM SMILING AND WAVING. HE APPEARS CONTENT WITH HIS NEW LIFE.

Written by Myles Wagman

Myles is a Toronto based writer, teacher and musician.

Edited by Colm Hogan

Illustrations by Colm Hogan

If you have an idea for a post, email me here: colmhogan(AT)gmail.com. Include the pitch, past work and a brief bio. No advertisements, SEO stuff or hidden links please.

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